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How to Not Die Alone

Introduction

  • Love is something effortless, natural, organic. You fall in love, you don't think your way into it. It's a spontaneous chemical reaction, not a calculated decision. Or Is it? Does it really have to be?
  • Is it necessary for Love to be a gamble? Where we bet our emotions off?
  • Intentional Love
    • Asks you to view your love life as a series of choices rather than accidents.
    • It is about being informed and purposeful.
  • Great relationships are built not discovered.
  • A lasting relationship doesn't just happen. Our natural errors in decision-making cause us to stumble.

Getting Ready

Why Dating is Harder now than ever before

  • Today, all decisions we make are up to us; but this freedom comes at the cost of certainty.
  • The dark side of all this freedom and endless choice is the crippling fear that we'll screw up our lifelong pursuit of happiness.
  • If we are in charge, then we will only have ourselves to blame. We could fail, and then it would be our fault.
  • Paradox of choice
    • We are no longer limited to single people we know from work or college.
    • We can swipe through hundreds of potential partners in a single sitting.
    • The downside, while people crave choice, too many options make us feel less happy and doubtful about our decisions in the longer run.
  • No Right Answers
    • There are no right answers to questions like "Who should I be with?", "How much should I compromise?" and "Will they ever change?".
    • Great relationships are built not discovered.
  • Social Media and the Compare Despair
    • Today, our primary view into other people's relationships is staged, curated, instagram-filtered social media feeds.
    • Every relationship we see online is a set of selected clips from the best moments, nowhere close to what the actual reality of the relationship is.
    • This leads us to feel like we are the only one's experiencing heart-wrenching struggles in our love lives.
    • It makes us believe that everyone else is in healthier, happier relationships than we are.

The Three Dating Tendencies

  • People suffer from dating blind spots, something they cannot identify on their own but is holding them back from finding and keeping love.
  • Until the late 18th century, most societies saw marriage as far too vital an economic and political institution to be left entirely to the free choice of the two individuals involved, especially if they were going to base their decision on something as unreasoning and transitory as love.

Romanticizer

  • Believe that love is something that happens to you and the reason you are single is because you have not met the right person yet.
  • Confident that they know what their future partner will look like; when they meet someone who doesn't match the image, they won't give that person a chance.
    • They end up missing great potential matches.
  • rom-com promotes the idea that love finds you and not the other way around. The idea that love at first site is real.
  • The fix?
    • Our mindset matters!
    • The ability to shift your mindset from soul mate to work-it-out beliefs could mean the difference between finding a life partner or not.

Maximizer

  • Obsess over making the best possible decision
  • Opposite of satisficers.
  • Plagued by anxiety, not just FOMO but also the fear of making the wrong decision (FOMTWD)
  • Our life once scripted by culture, religion and family is now all of a sudden a blank page.
    • This grants us freedom to express ourselves more fully.
    • But, we're also burdened by the pressure to get it right. When we are the authors of our own story and that story sucks, we havee no one to blame but ourselves.
  • Maximizers end up second guessing themselves and their decisions.
  • They suffer doubly, first when making the decision, and then worrying they have made the wrong decision.

    Maximizers make good decisions and end up feeling bad about them. satisficers make good decisions and end up feeling good.

    • But, what if you are not happy with what you pickcd
    • We have an incredible tool working on our behalf to make us happy -- our brain.
  • Rationalization is our ability to convince ourselves we did the right thing.

  • The goal is to work towards becoming a satisficer.

    • The best choice of all is choosing to be happy

  • How to maximize chances of picking the best? (The Secretary Problem)

    • Let's answer this question in a algorithmic way.
    • let's say you have a 100 partners to pick from in your life.
    • You take 37% of them and go through them to get a perspective of the market.
    • Once you get an understanding of what is available out there. You study your 37% and decide what works for you what doesn't.
    • Use the above data to set a benchmark.
    • Now start dating again, and when you meet someone who meets the benchmark requirements you should settle & commit to them.
    • Refer book Algorithms to live by and google 'the Secretary problem' for more on this
  • Don't let perfect be the enemy of great
  • learn to satisfice, to feel uncomfortable with uncertainty yet to make a decision based on a less than exhaustive search.
  • Maximizers, give yourself the gift of happiness; give yourself the gift of satisficing. How to Not Die Alone#satisficers

Hesitator

  • One day you will wake up and feel ready to date. If you have been telling yourself this, it's time to wake up. This story is fiction.
  • You cannot figure out what you like if you don't date different people.
  • So much of dating is iterative, especially because you are probably wrong about what you like or value in a partner.

  • In dating, you get stronger, better by going on more dates.

  • How to overcome the hesitation of dating?

    1. Make a deadline - Deadlines are one of the most efficient ways to motivate someone to take action.
    2. Prep - Go to an improv class, learn how to listen carefully and playing with others.
    3. Tell others - announcing publicly will get your more leads and you are more likely to stay focused on the goal now.
    4. Commit to your new identity - Commit to the fact that you are open to dating and don't contradict yourself.
    5. Start Small - Set specific goals, and more specific goals when previous ones are met. We want to go one step at a time.
    6. Be compassionate with yourself - Be your own cheerleader, learn to use the compassionate tone with yourself.
  • Stop talking to your Ex
    • Keeping our ex around makes it harder for us, not easier to move on.
  • The problem with being an maximizer in life in general is that, "while we prefer reversible decisions over irreversible ones, this flexibility often ends up making us less happy with our decisions in the longer run."
    • This is because we are less committed to the choice we can reverse, and commitment is crucial for happiness.
  • Exposure to an ex partner through social media may obstruct healing.

    Perfection is a lie. Everyone else is imperfect; even the person you will eventually end up with.

Work-it-out mindset

  • believe that relationships take effort, love is an action you take and not something that happens to you.
  • If you are not perfect, why should this person you are with be? Stop the double standard: you are not a movie star.
  • No relationship is easy all the time; even the healthiest, most rewarding marriages require effort.
    • Relationships go through periods of highs and lows
  • Don't believe what you see on instagram. The pictures you see on social media are only one heavily filtered view of that partnership.
    • Love is so much more than a filtered photo captured at sunset
  • Prince Charming is not real. Believing in prince charming is like implying there is a prince out there and you are settling for a runner up.

satisficers

  • Opposed to maximizers, they have standards, but they aren't overly concerned that there might be something better out there.
  • May have very high standards, but have the ability to stop after those standards are met.
  • satisficers feel happier about their decisions even if they made arguably a worse decision than the maximizers.
  • Tend to be happier because at the end satisfaction comes from how you feel about your decision not the decision itself.

Attachment Styles

  • Attached#What is My Attachment Style?
  • Anxiously attached people might think about their partners non-stop.
    • They might end up dwelling on their partner's good qualities, ignoring their bad ones and undermining their own.
  • Secure
  • You may get
    • anxiously attached if you crave a lot of closeness but are insecure about your relationship's future and your partner's interest in you.
    • avoidantly attached if you feel uncomfortable with intimacy and value independence over connection.
  • Securely attached folks make up 50% of the population; but not the dating pool.
    • Since, secure people tend to get intro relationships and stay in them.

Look for a life partner not a prom date

  • Money is important. low income couples are far more dissatisfied with their relationships than middle income couples.
    • Low income couples felt about as unhappy as divorced couples did in the month before they broke up.
  • Fisher found out that cocaine and falling in love light up the same regions of the brain.
    • A big part of sex drive is associated with novelty.No matter how hot your partner is, it's likely that your sexual interest will decrease in them over time because they are simply no longer new to you.

      For every hot person out there, there is someone tired of having sex with them.

  • Research tells us that,
    • similar personalities are not a predictor of long-term relationship success.
    • We make our potential pool of partners smaller by eliminating people who are not similar enough to us.
    • Key tip find someone who complements you, not your personality twin.
  • A good relationship has space for different people with different hobbies.
  • Remember just because they don't share the same interests doesn't make them a bad partner.
Traits to look for in a life partner
  • Emotional Stability and Kindness
  • Loyalty - Find someone who will be there for good and bad.
  • A growth mindset
  • Personality that brings out the best in you
    • In the end, a relationship is seldom about who each of you is; but about what happens when two of you come together.
  • Skills to fight well
    • Understanding there are two types of problems in relationships.
    • Solvable and unsolvable i.e. permanent features of your partnership.
    • The goal is not to find someone who doesn't fight. It's to choose a partner with whom you fight well, and who doesn't make you worry that the fight will end the relationship.
    • Successful couples are able to break the intensity of a fight by making a joke, conceding a point, or telling their partner what they appreciate about them.
  • Key takeaways
    • Seek life partners, people who are trustworthy and reliable; who will stay with you for the long haul.
    • Avoid prom dates: Individuals who are fun in the short term but ultimately let you down.
    • Superficial qualities such as looks and money matter less in long term relationship success because lust fades and people adapt to their circumstances.
The Canoe Test (for couples)
  • Can you share a canoe? An actual canoe.
  • Can you find a rhythm together? Is one of you comfortable leading and the other following? or do you both want to be in charge all the times?
Genetics
  • We feel attracted to the smell of people who are genetically different from us because if we reproduce with them, we'd pass on two very different sets of genes -- making our offspring more robust and more likely to survive.
  • Women were found to prefer the smell of the men whose genes were dissimilar from theirs.
    • (This effect reverses for women on oral birth control. Things can get messy if the couple marries, the woman goes off birth control and suddenly she's attracted to different people.)
Focusing Illusion
  • Our tendency to overestimate the importance of certain factors when anticipating outcomes, like our future happiness.
  • Behavioral economists Daniel Kahneman and David Schkade explored this phenomenon.
  • Summary of the research -- "Nothing in life is as important as you think it is while you are thinking about it."
  • People tend to fixate on insignificant characteristics and ignore the far more important factors that are correlated with long-term relationship happiness.

Adaptation

  • No matter how wonderful something is, the novelty eventually wears off, and we stop paying much attention to it.
  • Once we stop paying attention to it, it doesn't bring the same amount of joy or misery.

Getting Out There

You don't know what you want

  • If you think that you know what you want, or you can judge someone accurately based on some photos off a dating app; you are wrong.
  • When it comes to modern dating, our decision-making environment is the dating app. There are quite some issues with that.
Issues with Modern Dating and Dating Apps
  1. Our brains focus on what can be measured and easily compared. Superficial traits are easy to compare, the necessary ones usually aren't.
  2. We think we know what we want, but we are wrong. The apps allow us to filter out great potential matches based on our restricted beliefs.
  3. Apps promote relationshopping, search for potential partners like potential purchases.
  4. Apps make us more indecisive about whom to date.

  5. When we see only a rough sketch of someone, we fill the gaps with flattering details. Creating unrealistic fantasy of this person, ultimately leaving us disappointed.

  6. Dating apps are limited by the info that can be captured and catalogued: height, age, college, job and pictures.

  7. Dating apps never give you the chance to be proved wrong. You can weed out people who are not you "type".
  8. Human beings adjust behaviour based on the metrics they're held against.
    • Anything you measure will impel a person to optimise his score on that metric.
    • What you measure is what you'll get.
  9. A study done by Ariely found that a man has to earn $40000 more each year to be as desirable as a man one inch taller.
  10. Whereas, for men the quality they cared most about was body mass index (BMI)
  11. Just because you know where people have been, or where they are does not mean you know where they are headed to.
    • Give people a second chance, ignore the past and look at more things than just the superficial ones.
  12. Don't presume you know exactly what people meant when they answered the same vague questions you struggled with.
    • Ask them, no doubt is a dumb doubt.
Building a Dating Profile
  • A good dating profile should represent you not an aspirational version of yourself.
  • The more specific you are, the more opportunities you give potential matches to connect by commenting on that quirk.
  • Select better photos. Photos of you face, your full body, you doing an activity you love, etc.
    • Send the photos to your friends and ask them to rank them based on which one they find a better fit.
Evaluability
  • The easier it is to compare certain traits, the more important those traits seem.
  • ~ Chris Hsee professor at University of Chicago.
The Paradox of Choice
  • We assume that more choice will make us happier, but that often is not the case.
  • Too many options make us less happy, partly because of choice overload.
  • We can also get overwhelmed because of the options and end up making no decisions at all.
  • People are more likely to come to a decision when less options are available.
  • The more options you have to choose from, the more chances you have to regret about your selection.
The Monet Effect
  • When we have only a rough perception of someone, our brain hoping for a great outcome, fills in all the gaps optimistically.
  • People seem way more desirable than they actually are.
  • It's only later, when they transform into real people standing in front of us, that we see the flaws.
  • This monet effect is the reason why when compared to internal candidates, external CEOs are often paid more but perform worse.
  • The problem with this comes to the world of dating apps, you end up going on a date, get your expectations broken and start fantasising about the next person on your screen, who seems perfect because of the Monet effect.
  • This creates a Grass is always greener on the other side reaction. You always end up thinking that the next thing will be better than what you have.

Meet People IRL

  1. Go to Events
  2. Get Set up by friends and family.
  3. Connect with people you already know.

  4. Introduce yourself to people when you are out and about.

  5. Our instinct to avoid conversations with strangers is wrong.

  6. We only think we want solitude. We underestimate how much joy social connection can bring.
  7. The world is futll of great potential matches, or people who know great potential matches.
What Mom was right about (or should have told you)
  • You only get one chance to make a first impression.
  • Wear something that makes you feel confident. Don't forget to flirt.
  • Make eye contact with the people around you, smile, and then take your gaze elsewhere.
How to talk with someone? it can get awkward
  • Get in a line, any line. People in lines are inherently bored. Even a momentary distraction -- a conversation -- is welcome.
The Event Decision Matrix
  • eventDecisionMatrix.png
  • Ask yourself the following two questions:
    • How likely is that I will interact with other people at this event?
    • How likely is it that I'll enjoy myself at this event?
  • Why these two questions matter:
    • An event you will enjoy is likely to bring out the best side of you.
    • You will be happier, more relaxed, and more yourself. That is the perfect time to meet someone.
    • If you go to an event you think you'll enjoy and you end up not meeting any potential love interests, you're less likely to consider the event a waste of time.
    • In the meantime, meeting new people, making new friends expands your social circle and increases you chances of meeting a new love interest.
  • Talking to a stranger at an event is not creepy by itself.
    • Creeps are the ones who go from being charming to, creepy - making casual sexual insinuations or sexist comments, or continuing to push a conversation when the other person gives signs that they are not interested.
    • This signs can be as simple as looking over their shoulder and giving really brief answers.
Getting Set-up by family and friends
  • Ask people to set you up
  • Tell then what you are looking for
    • think of the Life Partner, not the Prom date.
  • Say Yes to Dates!
    • If someone is going through the effort of setting you up for a date with someone, say Yes!
    • Tell them that you will go for atleast one date if not more but one for sure.
  • Give your friends feedback
    • If the date went well, tell your friends about it, send them a thank you text.
  • Offer Incentives!
    • Say you will pay X amount to the person who introduces you to the partner You will marry.
Pay it Forward. How to set up other people
  • Scan your phone contacts or facebook friends to remind yourself who is single.
  • Once you've thought of a match, contact the person you think is pickier or the person you know better.
    • You don't want to give too much information and overwhelm the person; nor should you provide too little information and risk triggering the Monet Effect.
    • Just give enough so that your friend is intrigued.
  • If the person you asked says yes, ask the second person.
    • If the second person says no, let the first person know gently
  • If both people say yes, connect them via group text or email.
  • Give them space. Allow them to go out without you micromanaging them.
It's a Date; not a Job Interview
  • There is more to dating that simply making time for it.
  • When we go on dates, we are impacted by more than just the physical location of where we meet.
  • The environment of a date is also when we meet, what we do, and the mindset we bring to it.
  • The point of the first date is not to decide whether you want to marry someone or not.
    • It is to see if you are curious about the person, if there is something you about them that makes you feel like you would enjoy spending more time together.
10 steps too design better dates
  1. Shift your mindset with a pre-date ritual. If you are tensed, you will have a anxiety filled date. Listen to comedy, plan ahead, do jumping jacks. Anything that works for you.
  2. Choose the time and place of the date thoughtfully. Try sitting next to her rather than across your date. When you stare directly into the eyes it makes communication harder as eye contact and processing language rely on the same neural circuitry.
  3. Opt for a creative activity -> Find creative date ideas on loganury.com
  4. Show your work. Let your date know about the things you have done to make the experience special. Do not brag, or exaggerate. Make your efforts apparent.
  5. Play. Have fun. Be silly. Make a joke.
  6. Skip the small talk. Ask questions, curious questions.
  7. Be interested, not interesting
  8. Limit Phone use
  9. End on a high note - How to Not Die Alone#The Peak-end rule
  10. use the Post Date Eight to shift to the experiential mindset.
  11. During the date mention the thoughts you put into particular decisions.
  12. People will appreciate the effort, and your thoughtfulness will help you stand out.
  13. Humour is a great tool too create sense of play.
  14. People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. People will never forget how you made them feel.
  15. You should try this. At the beginning of the date, ask the other person how they'd feel about both of you committing to putting your phones out of sight.
Shift v/s Support Responses - conversations
  • Shift Response is a moment in which you shift the focus of the conversation back to yourself.
  • Support response encourages the speaker to continue the story without taking the attention away from the speaker.
  • Support responses indicate that you are invested in their story and want to hear more.
The Peak-end rule
  • When assessing an experience, people judge it based largely on how they felt at the most intense moment and at the end.
  • The memory is not an average of the minute by minute experiences.
  • Give the other person a meaningful compliment before you head your separate ways.
The Post Date Eight
  1. What side of me did they bring out?
  2. How did my body feel during the date? Stiff, relaxed or something in between?
  3. Do I feel more energized or denergized than I did before the date?
  4. Is there something about them i am curious about?
  5. Did they make me laugh?
  6. Did I feel heard?
  7. Did I feel attractive in their presence?
  8. Did I feel captivated, bored or something in between?

Fuck the Spark

  • Rejecting myths about instant chemistry
Myths we have heard and believe about love
  1. When you meet the right person you will feel instant fireworks.
  2. The Spark is always a good thing.

  3. If you have a spark, the relationship is viable.

  4. Sometimes the presence of the spark is more an indication of how charming (or narcissistic) someone is and less a sign of a shared connection.

  5. Our whole lives were trying to live up to that fantasy meeting.
    • Don't pursue the wrong relationship because you met the right way.
    • That feeling of chemistry may actually be anxiety because the person doesn't make it clear how they feel about you.
  6. Ditch the spark, and go for the slow burn, someone who may not be particularly charming upon your first meeting but would make a great long-term partner.
Facts about love and relationships
  • Fireworks and instant chemistry are often absent at the beginning of a relationship.
  • Good sex and chemistry can build over time.
  • The spark can grow. Sometimes it is a tiny flame, gasping for breath. It might take time but it has the potential for growth.
Mate Value v/s Unique Value
  • Initial rating that people give to someone based on their attractiveness solely based on first impressions is called as Mate Value.
  • Unique value is what you think of someone after spending time with them
  • When we first meet people, we evaluate them on their mate value - their overall attractiveness and how they carry themselves.
  • The importance of mate value disappears over time. What matters is how you feel about someone as you get to know them.

Go on the Second Date

  • We can train our mind to look for the positive. Follow the golden rule: Do not judge others the way you would not want to be judged.
  • Seeing the positives in life is a muscle, a skill you can develop.
    • Simply writing down three new things you are grateful for every night for three weeks, will start to change the way your brain perceives the world.
  • Distinguish your permissible pet peeves from your dealbreakers.
    • Don't take someone off the potential dating scene just because of something silly that won't even matter in the long term.
Don't Ghost
  • You will inevitably reach a moment when you decide you do not want to move forward with someone.
  • Don't Ghost here.
  • Ghosting is awkward. It's hurtful and leaves the other person in a limbo (an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution.)
  • Ghosting makes "ghosters" feel worse than if they'd been up front with their feelings.
  • People ghost to avoid feeling awkward.
    • But in accordance to How to Not Die Alone#Self Perception Theory after people ghost they look at their actions and think, I did kind of a mean thing. I might be the bad guy. Then end up feeling worse about themselves.
  • You might be thinking you are taking the easy way out, but that is wrong.
  • If we instead choose the kind, up-front, polite path we get positive reinforcement.
    • The person is likely to respond and say something positive.
Self Perception Theory
  • Our views about ourselves change over time, depending on how we behave.
  • This happens because we don't have access to our inner thoughts and feelings.
The Negativity Bias
  • Our brains have developed a negativity bias, an instinct to ruminate on whats gone wrong.
  • Our brain evolved to vividly remember the negative experiences so that we can avoid them in the future. ~ Fisher
  • It means we are more likely to remember a person's bad qualities after a date.
The Fundamental attribution error
  • We tend to believe someone's actions reflect who they are rather than the circumstances.
  • When someone makes a mistake, we interpret the misstep as revealing something essential about the person's character.
    • We don't look for external reasons to explain the behaviour.
The Compassion Mode
  • Seeing everything positively is good and all, but what happens when your date makes a mistake and the fundamental-attribution error kicks in?
  • You can choose to override the impulse by coming up with an alternate, more compassionate explanation for their behaviour.

Getting Serious

Decide, Don't slide

Define The Relationship (DTR)
  • DTR is an essential decision point.
  • It is a chance to discuss where you are and where you are headed.
  • There is no perfect time to DTR.
    • Bring up the conversation when you feel like you are ready to stop seeing other people and would feel comfortable calling the person your boyfriend/girlfriend.
  • A decision point is a moment in which you decide whether to continue what you're doing or choose a different path.
Cohabitation Effect
  • Married couples who move in together before they get married tend to be less satisfied and more likely to divorce than those who didn't.
  • Moving in together makes it harder to be honest with yourself about the quality of the relationship because the cost of separating goes up significantly.
  • If you move in together and things are not great, you are more likely to stay in the relationship than if you had your own space.
  • Since moving in together makes you more likely to get married, honour this moment as the milestone, as the decision point.
  • Sometimes moving in means one thing to one person or something completely different one.
    • This is where the conversation about what the expectations are is important.
    • Without this type of conversation a couple may not discover the misalignment until it is too late and they have already signed off the lease.
    • There is no point in rushing if you are not heading in the right direction
Get Aligned before you sign a lease and move in together
  • Before you move in together, set aside a weekend to answer these question
  • Why are we moving in together?
  • What does moving in together mean to you?
  • Where do you see this relationship going in the future?
  • Is marriage something we are considering? If so, when do you see us getting married?
  • What are your fears about living together?

Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching

  • Hitchers - tend to stick around in relationships that are not working.
  • Ditchers - tend to leave relationships too soon, without giving them a chance to grow.
  • If you are confused about what to do, and need a fresh perspective, ask your friends and family can see things that we are blind to.
    • That is because we are infatuated with our partners during the first two to three years
    • Tell them that you feel bad putting them in an awkward situation, but you really need an honest opinion.
  • While the idea of couples therapy might seem scary, you may want to consider it, even if you are not married.
Ditching
  • When we estimate how something will feel in the future, we tend to focus on the initial impact.
  • Ditchers make the same mistake with love.
  • Thanks to the transition rule, they confuse falling in love, and they expect the whole relationship to offer that initial excitement.
  • Being in love is less intense than falling into it.
Wardrobe Test
  • It's a technique Logan Ury developed while conducting research on breakups.

    If your partner were a piece of clothing that you own -- something in your closet -- what piece of clothing would they be?

The Sunk cost fallacy
  • The feeling that once you invest in something, you should see it through.
  • If you find yourself doing this, ask yourself, Would you board an aeroplane even if you knew it was going to crash, just because you paid for the ticket?
    • We are not talking about aeroplanes here.
Loss Aversion
  • Losses loom larger than gains
  • Because of loss aversion, we experience twice as much psychological pain from losing $100 as compared to gaining pleasure from gaining $100.
  • We have adapted our behaviour to avoid losses.
  • Our tendency to try and avoid losses because we experience them as particularly painful.
Hitching
  • A break up is not an exit ramp, it's a decision affecting your partner as much, if not more as you.
  • You are not alone in the car. Your partner is with you.
  • If you are planning on ending relationship, everyday you wait, you are wasting your partner's time.

Making a Breakup Plan

  • How to Breakup with someone
  • Record Your reasons for wanting the breakup.
  • Make a plan
  • Create a social accountability system with a friend
  • Have the conversation but don't have sex
  • Make an immediate post break up plan for yourself
  • Create a breakup contract with your ex
  • Change your habits to avoid backsliding

  • Don't be the "nice" breakup person

  • Write yourself a letter about why you have chosen to end things.

  • Once you have decided to do it, stop delaying it.
  • Set clear deadlines
    • Once you have set your deadline, it is time to make a more specific plan for when and where you will have the breakup conversation.
  • Choose a quiet location, preferably your home or partner's.
    • Don't break up in public.
    • Don't break up a day before a big exam, presentation or a new job.
  • Delay within reason.
    • Don't push back the conversation for months if your partner has a super stressful job with nonstop important meetings.
    • Delay only for specific times, and stop and take action before it gets too late.
  • If they ask you "what is wrong with me?" - do not answer that.
    • They are the wrong person for you, there is nothing wrong with them.
    • You are not in a position to tell them what is wrong with them.
    • Anything you will say will scar them for life. Be better than that.
  • Same advice holds if they ask what they did wrong.
    • This is a breakup, not a feedback session.
  • After breakup, you are vulnerable to temptation. Set up a Ulysses contract by making plans for immediately after the breakup conversation. The ones you cannot deny or get out of.
  • Figure out what you are going to do after the breakup, including where you are going.
  • One of the hardest aspects of modern breakups is not being able to text your partner when something exciting happens at work or when you need to vent about your family.
    • Fill out your own text supporter worksheet
    • Who will you text to talk about what in absence of your partner.
Don't be the nice breakup person
  • Just because you initiated the breakup does not mean you are not in pain.
  • Revisit the letter you wrote about why you did it.
  • Ask the friend who helped you role-play the conversation to remind you why you did it.
  • Resist the urge to check in on your ex too much, especially in the first few weeks after a breakup.
  • Have the courage to assume responsibility for the damage you have done in their life, without trying to make it all better immediately.
  • They may see you as a devil for a while. Live with that.
Narrative Fallacy
  • Our brain tries to create a cause-and-effect story to explain the events we witness and experience.
    • Even when the story is false
Accountability System
  • Increases your chance of following through.
  • A social accountability system acts as a protective layer.
  • You ask others to hold you responsible to the goal you've set for yourself.
Flooding
  • A physical and mental state when your cortisol rises and your body enters fight-or-flight mode.
  • The goal is to avoid flooding through a conversation and not to have a break-up sex. It leaves behind mixed signals and confusion.
Critical Conversation Planning Doc
  • To help you express yourself as clearly and compassionately as possible, plan out the conversation with the Critical Conversation Planning Doc.
  • What is your goal for this conversation? (What does success look like?)
  • What is the core message you want to communicate?
  • What tone do you want to use? What tone do you want to avoid?
  • How do you want to open the conversation?
  • What needs to be said?
  • What are your concerns about how the other person will react?
  • What will you do if that happens?
  • How do you want to close the conversation?
A Breakup contract with your ex
  • Make a plan with your ex.
    • Research shows that if someone actively chooses to do something, they feel more involved in the process and more invested in the outcome.
  • When you actively agree to do something, you feel like the decision is yours and you see it as a reflection of your own preferences and ideals.
    • This doesn't happen when you passively commit.
  • You don't have to agree with everything, you likely won't.
  • You have to subtly introduce the idea by saying something like "I think it might be helpful if we get on the same page about what we both want moving forward. Are you willing to take a look at this with me?"

Overcoming Heartbreak

  • nucleus accumbens is the region of the brain that lights up when we see a picture of a person we are in love with.
  • Our brain undergoes the same experience during breakup and drug withdrawal.
  • Breakups have been found to increase our cortisol levels, that suppress our immune system and weaken our coping mechanisms.
  • On the plus point, no matter how happy a couple was in their relationship, when they break up, the pain is rarely as intense as they expected it to be.
  • Write about the positives of the breakup.
  • Rediscover yourself, do recreational activities, try new experiences.
  • Start dating again
    • The only way to know if you are ready to start dating again is to go on an actual date.
  • See this breakup as a chance to learn from the past and make better decisions in the future.
  • A key part of moving on is getting clear about the choices you made in your last relationship and changes you will make in the next one.
The Framing Effect
  • Exact same information, presented in two different ways resulted in vastly different decisions
  • The Framing effect is our tendency to evaluate things differently based on how they are presented.

Before Tying the knot

  • The happiness and satisfaction of marriage has a tremendous impact on happiness, physical and mental health, life expectancy, wealth and the well being of children.
  • Couples are so fond of each other that they assume the other person wants the same things in life; therefore, they don't set aside the time to talk explicitly about major decisions like where to live or if they want children.
  • One of the moments when we feel most attracted to our partners is when we admire their individual talents.
    • Invest in that attraction by teaching each other a new skill.
False consensus Effect
  • A tendency to assume that the majority of others agree with our own values, beliefs, and behaviours.
  • The drug of infatuation, combined with this effect leads a lot of couples to skip crucial pre-martial conversations.

Intentional Love - Building Relationships that last

It is not the strongest of the species which survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. - Your relationship may fail if you don't adapt

Happily Ever After Fallacy
  • The mistaken belief that the hard work of love is finding someone.
  • But that is only the first hard part, the next part is hard too; making the relationship last for the long haul.
  • Great relationships are created, not discovered. You can form a lasting bond by putting in the work.
The end of history illusion
  • We fully expect to physically age but we each think that by and large, the core of me, my identity, my values, my personality, my deepest preferences are not going to change from here on out.
  • The truth, we never stop growing and changing.
Check in ritual
  • The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life.
  • Relationships are your story, write well and edit often.
  • Ask the three questions to each other every week,
    • How was your last week?
    • Did you feel supported by me?
    • How can I support you in the coming week?
  • If we put something on our calendar and make it the default, we are more likely to actually do it.