Attached <3

The new science of Adult Attachment

Important Points from the Book¶

Attachment styles are stable but plastic. -- becoming more secure is an ongoing process. - You might belong to one attachment style but that can be influenced/changed with conscious/unconscious effort.

Decoding Relationship Behaviour¶

Situation -> Never had a stable relationship, always grew tired of his girlfriends and felt the need to move on

In romantic situations we are programmed to act in a predetermined manner

The Secure-Anxious-Avoidant Types¶

Three main attachment styles exist
- Secure
- Anxious
- Avoidant
People perceive and respond to intimacy in a relationship based on their attachment style.
Secure people - comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving
Anxious people - crave intimacy, tend to worry about partner not loving them back.
Avoidant people - compare intimacy with loss of independence and try to push their partner away and minimise the closeness
People's attachment styles often dictate their views towards
- Intimacy, togetherness
- Dealing conflicts mutually
- Attitude towards sex, communication of wishes and needs
- Expectations from a relationship and partner

Where do Attachment Styles Come From?¶

A variety of factors, including upbringing and life experiences
Your Parents were ... -> You are ...
- sensitive, available and responsive -> Secure
- inconsistently responsive -> Anxious
- Distant, rigid, and unresponsive -> Avoidant

Why do We get Attached?¶

Attachment theory is based on the assertion that need to be in a close relationship is embedded in our genes.
Attachment system, consisting of emotions and behaviours that ensure that we remain safe and protected by staying close to our loved ones
Adult Attachment - theory of romantic affiliation that allows for the development of useful applications for people in all stages of their romantic life

Dependency is not a Bad Word¶

Getting attached means that our brain becomes wired to seek the support of our partner by ensuring the partner's psychological and physical proximity.

Dependency Paradox -> The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.
Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone, the two of us form one physiological unit.
When two people form an intimate relationship, they regulate each other's psychological and emotional well-being.

Dependency is a fact; it is not a choice or a preference.

The "Dependency Paradox"¶

Once we choose a partner there is no question about whether dependency exists or not. It always does.
If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend on and travel down it with that person.
Secure Base -> The knowledge that you are backed by someone who is supportive and whom you can rely on with 100% certainty and turn to in times of need.
- A child was left in a room ( an unknown environment with toys)
  - When there was an attachment figure present around the child, the child could explore without any fear and with confidence
  - When the attachment figure left the same room, the child was hesitant and started crying.

What is My Attachment Style?¶

There are two Attachment Dimensions
- Avoidance
- Anxiety
Low Anxiety, Low Avoidance -> Secure
Low Anxiety, High Avoidance -> Avoidant
High Anxiety, Low Avoidance -> Anxious
High Anxiety, High Avoidance -> Anxious-Avoidant
questionnaire Link -> Find my attachment style

What is my Partner's style?¶

Remember, when you are excited about someone, your objectivity is compromised and you tend to create a rosy picture of them.
It is very much important to pay equal attention to the messages coming through and address them securely; to determine whether the relationship is right for you or not.
Golden Rules for deciphering attachment styles
1. Determine whether they seek intimacy and closeness
2. Assess how preoccupied they are with the relationship and how sensitive they are to rejection. (Do they get hurt easily? worried about future together?)
3. Don't rely on one symptom, look for various signs. Don't completely rely on just one particular behaviour for defining the attachment style.
4. Assess their reaction to effective communication. Don't be afraid to express your needs, thoughts and feelings to your partner. Don't censor yourself.
5. Listen and look for what they are not saying or doing. Trust your gut feeling on this.

Living With The Sixth Sense for Danger : The Anxious Attachment Style¶

All Happiness or unhappiness solely depends on the quality of the object to which we are attached by love. - Choose wisely when you are getting involved with someone. - People with anxious attachment style - have a super-sensitive attachment system. - are more vigilant of changes in others' emotional expression - have a higher degree of accuracy and sensitivity to other people's cues. - tend to jump to conclusions very quickly - Protest behaviour -> Any action that tries to reestablish contact with your partner and get their attention. - If you are anxious you - shouldn't date someone avoidant.They will be exactly opposite of what you need. - should date someone secure!

A coaching session for the Anxious¶

Acknowledge and accept your true relationship needs
Recognise and rule out avoidant prospects early on
Be your authentic self and use effective communication
- express your needs and wants.
The abundance Philosophy
- There are many many unique individuals out there who are superb partners for you.
- Give several people a chance without settling for one early on.

Avoidant : Keeping love at arm's length¶

Idealise a life of self-sufficiency and look down upon dependency.
Origins of Avoidant Attachment style:

Hostile conditions in primal times created an environment where skills other than collaborative ones became more important. The individuals who were able to detach themselves and survive on their own were more successful at competing for the limited resources that were available. Thus, a segment of living population ended up leaning towards an avoidant attachment style.
What is it like to be an Avoidant?
- People with avoidant relationship types tend to be less happy and satisfied in a relationship.
- Relationship feels like jail time to them, they see themselves as wanna be free birds who want to fly solo.
- They feel a deep-rooted aloneness, even while in a relationship.
Avoidants use a so-called Deactivation Strategy:
- A deactivation strategy is any behaviour or thought that is used to squelch intimacy.
- An Avoidant person tells himself that these are a way to protect him from what could go wrong, but at the end of the day, these tools are standing in the way of you being happy in a relationship.
- Examples
  - Saying "I'm not ready to commit" -- but staying together and spending time together
  - Focusing on small imperfections in your partner
  - Pining after your Ex-partner (The Phantom Ex)
  - Flirting with others while in a relationship
  - Not saying I Love you, while implying that you have feelings for someone
  - Pulling away when things are going well
  - Avoiding physical closeness
  - Keeping secrets and keeping things foggy
It is important to understand that, the feeling/belief that "Why do I need someone else, I can do great by myself" is extremely wrong. You should trust someone else with yourself.
People here tend to see the Glass as Half empty, rather than half full, when it comes to their partner. (Only flaws are noticed)
The Phantom Ex - This fixation with a past partner affects budding new relationships, because it acts as a deactivating strategy.

How Can you Change?¶

People here assume the reason they're unable to find happiness in a relationship has little to do with themselves and a lot to do with external circumstances.
Identify your deactivating strategies
De-emphasize self-reliance and focus on mutual support
Find a secure partner
Be aware of your tendency to misinterpret behaviours -- take a step back and think before misinterpreting
Make a relationship gratitude list -- Write down all the things you are thankful for, all the good things that happened to you, that made you laugh, smile, and high!
- The objective should be to notice your partner's actions
- List at least one way your partner contributed, even in a minor way, to your well-being , and why you're grateful they're in your life
Nix the Phantom Ex -- Remind yourself, how critical were you of that relationship, how bad it was, stop remembering and fantisizing just about the good parts.
Forget about "The One" -- Don't wait until "the one" who fits your checklist shows up and then expect everything to fall into place. Make your current into your soul mate by choosing them out of the crowd.
Adopt the distraction strategy - Focusing on other things (hike, meal together, activities) will take your mind off things and let you lower down your guard. This will make it easier to access your loving feelings.

Getting Comfortably Close: The Secure Attachment Style¶

The Buffering Effect -> When you are with someone secure, they nurture you into a more secure stance; you yourself start becoming secure in their presence.
Secure people are not concerned with threatening relationship thoughts even when they are caught off guard.
Secure people aren't as sensitive to the negative cues of the world. This stance of theirs influences their relationships in much better ways. Secure people are,
- Great Conflict Busters
- Mentally Flexible
- Effective Communicators
- Not Game players -> They want closeness and believe people want the same too, so why play games?
- Comfortable with closeness, unconcerned about boundaries
- Quick to forgive
- Inclined to view sex and emotional intimacy as one
- Treat their partners like royalty - They treat you like the Royal inner circle, a part of it, not a stranger.
- Secure in their power to improve the relationship -
- Responsible for their partners' well-being -- They are responsive to their partner, and expect the same.

Secure Person's Origins¶

A person will develop a secure attachment style if her parents are sensitive and responsive to her needs
One of the most important roles we play in our partners' lives is providing a secure base.
You too can provide a secure base by adopting the following secure behaviours
- Be Available -- Respond sensitively to their distress.
- Don't interfere -- Provide behind-the-scenes support for partner's endeavors
- Encourage -- be accepting and cheer for your partner
Finding the right partner, the secure way:
- Spot the "smoking signals" (the red flags) and don't ignore them.
  - Draw your boundaries. Respect them
- Effectively communicate your needs from day one
- When a partner acts inconsiderately or hurtfully, understand that what they are saying says not much about you, but much about what they are as a person.
- Expect to be treated with dignity, respect and love in relationship!
Even with everything good, secures are not completely immune to relationship problems
- People with a secure attachment style view their partners' well-being as their responsibility
- Secure attachment style are more likely than others to forgive their partner for wrongdoing.
- Forgiveness requires difficult regulatory maneuvers, understanding a transgressor's needs and motives, and making generous attributions and appraisals concerning the transgressor's traits are hurtful actions.
  - Explanation, forgiveness is a very difficult thing to do, understanding someone's needs and motives and making generous (self-less slightly) changes for them, considering their traits can be hurtful at times.
  - It boils down to, how selfless can someone be, right?
- If you are in a currently in a relationship with someone, remember Just because you can get along with anyone doesn't mean you have to
- Remember, it wasn't your set of beliefs that were to blame and it is well worth holding on to them. You can be happy again!

The Anxious-Avoidant Trap¶

You should aim for a safe haven in a relationship, not a stormy voyage through the sea. - People with anxious attachment style -- cope with threats to the relationship by activating their attachment system -- trying to get close to their partner. - People with avoidant attachment style -- cope with threats by deactivating -- taking measures to distance themselves from their partners and "turn off" their attachments system.

What is the Anxious Avoidant Trap?¶

A relationship between an anxious person and an avoidant person.
During downhill situations, the anxious person needs more closeness, and avoidant needs more distance, resulting in more emotional damage to the anxious person and the relationship overall.
An avoidant often inflates their self-esteem and sense of independence in comparison to someone else.

Signs of the Anxious Avoidant Trap¶

Roller-coaster effect - partner is close for a while, then distances (up and down goes attachment system)
The Emotional counterbalancing act - an avoidant feels independent and powerful only to the extent that their partner feels needy and incapable.
Stable Instability - Relationship may last long, but with a feeling of chronic (long-term) dissatisfaction.
Are we really fighting about this? - You end up fighting for things you shouldn't be fighting for.
Life in the inner circle as the enemy - You are getting treated worse than better as you get closer to the person.
Experiencing the trap - an eerie sensation that the relationship is not right for you, but you still feel emotionally connected.
With every clash, the anxious person loses more ground. After a fight, anxious people remember all the good things, and feel guilty for what they did.
Avoidants react differently to a fight. They turn off all attachment-related memories and remember the worst of their partner.

Escaping the Anxious-Avoidant trap¶

Attachment styles are stable but plastic.
People tend to become more secure when they are in a relationship with someone secure.
Security-Priming -- Reminding people of security enhancing experiences they've had can help them to create a greater sense of security.
A secure attachment style leads to greater security, more constructive behaviour in relationships and better mental and physical health

Our relationship with our pets is an excellent example of a secure presence in our lives.

An Attachment Guide to Breaking Up¶

Even emotionally healthy individuals can become entangled in a destructive situation.
Avoidant women and men tend to have less sex with their partners than people of other attachment styles.
- Moreover, avoidant people are more likely to engage in less sex if their partner have/has an anxious attachment style
When our partners join our inner circle we become close to them in a way that we can be only with our closest relatives.
The only crime an anxious person does is, being too close to someone who can't tolerate it.
Secure people make up over 50% of the entire population, and their inner circle is treated like royalty.
The fact that one person can take away all our discomfort in a split second makes it very hard to resist the temptation to see them again.
Avoidant people engage in all the time: In order to avoid becoming too close, they focus on their partner's negative qualities and behaviours to keep their partner at bay.

How to Survive a Breakup? How to end things when it is hard..¶

Ask yourself what life is like for you in the "inner circle"? - are you being treated like royalty by your significant other?
Build a support network ahead of time. - Start to open up to your friends and family about what your relationship is really like. It's okay for things to not be all sunshine and rainbows. Let your friends know the truth.
Find a comforting, supportive place to stay for the first few nights. - fight the temptations for a rebound, surround yourself with supportive friends, family, siblings.
Get your attachment needs met in other ways. -- The more you are able to quiet down your attachment system the easier it will be for you
Don't be ashamed i you slip up and go back to "the scene of the crime" -- The worse you feel about yourself, the more you will want to go back to the false safety of the bad relationship you were in.
If you are having a hard time, don't feel guilty. Remember, the pain is real! -- Be kind to yourself and find ways to pamper your body and soul.
When you get flooded with positive, memories, ask a close friend for a reality check. -- Ask a friend to remind you how things really were. Even if you sometimes miss/idealise your ex, reality will slowly sink in.
Deactivate: Write down all the reasons you wanted to leave.
Know that no matter how much pain you are going through now, it will pass.

Effective Communication¶

Why Use Effective Communication?¶

Effective communication is the quickest, most direct way to determine whether your prospective partner will be able to meet your needs.
By spelling out your needs, you are making it a lot easier for your partner to meet them.
It allows you to turn a supposed weakness into an asset.

What to look for in Effective Communication?¶

It is never too late to start using effective communication to improve your relationship.
You might not be able to solve problems, but you will be able to judge immediately how important your well-being is to your partner, through Effective Communication.
Is your partner replying to your concerns only factually/rationally? or are they also in tune with your emotional well being?
Often, insecure people cannot get in touch with what is really bothering them.
- They get overwhelmed by emotions and lash out.
A secure attachment style seem to function as effective-communication coaches. Both secure partners report being good at getting others to open up and talk about personal things.

If you are Avoidant¶

You are often unaware of your need for distance and separateness.
Explain to your partner in advance that you need some time alone when you feel things getting too mushy and that it's not a problem with them but rather your own need in any relationship! (the last bit is important.)

When should you use Effective Communication?¶

Always!
When you are not communicating your concerns, letting them build up would only increase worries and fears.
If you are anxious -- Whenever you feel like resorting to protest behaviour, it's time to use effective communication.
- Figure out what your real needs are and use effective communication.
If you are avoidant -- When you feel an irrepressible need to bolt.
- use it to explain to your partner that you need some space and that you'd like to find a way of doing so that is acceptable to them.
  
  IT is never too late to start using effective communication, even if you are on the wrong foot.
You and your partner are an emotional unit. If your needs end up hurting them, you're sure to get hurt as well.

Five Principles of Effective Communication¶

Wear your heart on your sleeve -- Effective communication requires being genuine and completely honest.
Focus on your needs -- Getting your ideas across is the priority. Expressing your needs, always make sure you are being considerate towards your partner's well being. Focus on what you are trying to accomplish and not on your partner's shortcomings.
Be Specific -- Don't speak in general terms and confuse your partner.
Don't Blame -- Never make your partner feel down. Effective communication is about calming and solving things. Not raging storms.
Be assertive and non-apologetic -- Your relationship needs are valid! Your concerns are legitimate. So is your happiness and expressing them authentically is crucial to effective communication.

It is important to remember that even with effective communication, some problems won't be solved immediately.

Working Things out¶

Can Fighting Make Us Happier?¶

A major misconception about conflicts is that people in good relationships should fight very little.
difference between couples in relationships and fights is not about how much they disagree, but how they disagree and what they disagree about.

Bread and Butter Conflicts¶

Conflicts arising due to separate wills and personalities living shared lives.
Such disagreements are good because they force you to live in relation to someone else and learn to compromise.
At times, being flexible in our thinking and actions mean stepping outside of our comfort zone, it keeps our minds young and active, even allowing brain cells to regenerate.

Five Secure Principles for Resolving Conflict¶

Show basic concerns for the other person's well being

The other person's well being in an relationship is as important as your own.
Ignoring your partner's needs will have a direct impact on your own emotions, satisfaction level, and even physical health.
Maintaining focus on the problem at hand.
Refrain from generalising the conflict -- Keep it to the point and focus on the problem. Don't bring other past problems into this.

Avoid making disparaging comments or hurtful generalisations about each other.
Focus on the problem at hand and try not to bring about past incidences just to defend your side at the cost of your partner.
Be willing to engage -- give time to your partner, and listen to them actively.

The secure partner remains "present" both physically and emotionally.
Effectively communicate feelings and needs.

Why do Insecure People Avoid Facing Conflict¶

For Anxious people,
- Conflicts can trigger very basic concerns about their partner's responsiveness to their needs and about rejection or abandonment.
For Avoident People,
- There is a threat they feel, the possibility that their partner won't be really there for then when they need them.
To deal with these beliefs, they adopt the opposite approach, suppressing their needs for intimacy and shut down emotionally.
- The solution? Remind yourself before you distance away of what you are doing, and how this might have impacted you if you were in their shoes.

How to make SECURE Principles work for you?¶

Insecure assumptions interfere with conflict resolution
Try to keep a number of truths in mind when you are in the midst of a fight.
1. A single fight is not a relationship breaker
2. Express your fears! Don't let them dictate your actions. Let your partner know about what you are overthinking about.
3. Don't assume, that you are the one to be blamed for your partner's bad mood or that you understand what your partner means. Whenever in doubt, ask!
4. Trust that your partner will be caring and responsive to you, go ahead and express your needs.
5. Don't expect them to know what you are thinking, If you haven't told them what is on your mind, they don't know. That's it.
  
  It's always more effective to assume the best in conflict situations.
If you assume the worst, you will act defensively. (We don't want this to happen, it just goes down from here)

Insecure Conflict Strategies to Avoid¶

Getting sidetracked from the real problem
Not giving enough importance to effective communication about your feelings and needs.
Reverting to personal attacks and destructiveness.
Reacting "tit for tat" to a partner's negativity with more negativity.
Withdrawing from the conflict
Forgetting too focus on the other's well-being
Finally, Reacting securely to conflict is not rocket science; it doesn't require amazing verbal or psychological skills.
- It can often come down to a simple but sincere apology.

Epiloogue¶

Relationships are one of the most rewarding human experiences. - 73% of the over 300 university student participants were ready to sacrifice major life goals for a romantic relationship. - Misconceptions about relationships - Everyone has the same capacity for intimacy. - It is very tempting to forget that, people, in fact have very different capacities for intimacy. - When one person's need for closeness is met by another person's need for independence, a lot of unhappiness ensues. - Marriage is the be-all and end-all - Mis-matched attachment styles can lead too unhappiness in marriage, even for people who love each other greatly. - We alone are responsible for our emotional needs; they are not our partner's responsibility. - In a true relationship, both partners view their relationship as their responsibility to ensure the other's emotional well being. - It will be hard to let go of all the ideas and theories we have kept for our entire lives. - But remember, jettisoning (throwing off an aeroplane) these ideas is a necessary step. - Holding onto these ideas will be highly destructive. - These ideas tend to encourage us to compromise our self-esteem and happiness by ignoring our most basic needs and trying to be someone we're not. - Finally Remember that, - Your attachment needs are legitimate - Do not feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to (it's in the genetic makeup) - A relationship should make you feel more self-confident and give you peace of mind. - Remain true to your authentic self, you should never have to pretend to be somebody you are not for someone.